@thearmageddon here with a movie review of a movie I watched because someone asked me to and now I’m thinking about canceling them and they are almost definitely on THE LIST:
Look. I like bad movies. So much so that I will occasionally open up whatever streaming app and find terrible movies to watch on a Saturday afternoon, to help me recreate how it was like in the 80’s watching TV and stumbling upon the worst, but most awesome movie. I loved the ridiculousness of The MEG (also starring Jason Statham), Fast and the Furious, and the movie catalog of both Steven Segal and Jean-Claude Van Damme.
But like…
It’s all subjective anyway so maybe I just “get it” when I watch those movies, and what they are trying to do, and well…The Beekeeper, I guess…I just didn’t get it.
I laughed. I laughed A LOT. But in this case I often found myself laughing at it while in Fast and Furious when Dominic Toretto catches Letty in mid air at 100mph after jumping out of his car, I laughed with it. And for me that sums up this movie versus some of those others, which is, I didn’t actually feel like the intention of a lot of it was meant to be tongue in cheek. Like it should be obvious, with the title, and yes there were some moments that did convey that feeling, but it just…kind of felt like it actually took itself too seriously. And so for me I couldn’t really go along with it.
Again ,I LOVED The MEG. and almost literally RAN to see Moonfall, so I’m not trying to position myself as some holier than thou film snob. But in this case, I really really wanted it to be more…self aware. I almost never discuss how bad dialogue or writing is, and again, in comparison to The MEG 2: Electric Boogaloo it’s virtually the same, but I just, when the mother of the antagonist bluntly declares she will tell everyone the truth, the execution is just…
Look I LOVE Days of our Lives people. Marlena as Satan was done far better.
A lot of the time I actually felt like I was watching a movie from a script actually written in 1995 meant for direct to video, kind of like how I felt watching The Net with Sandra Bullock back in 1995 which yes, opened in theaters and yes I also did not stutter. The opening of the movie was overly sentimental in a way that was more saccharin than sugar. Michael Bay of all people might have directed the same exact scene with the same dialogue and made it feel…better somehow, which is saying a lot, because Michael Bay. But that’s kind of my point here. There’s a certain vibe these things need to hit, and The Beekeeper rarely ever knows what it is, so it’s all over the place when it comes to that regard.
It opens with an inciting incident meant to pull at your heart with the most contrived, out-of-place, what-is-happening opening I can even think of and no one with a hint of what Al Gore’s Internet is should be on board with it here in 2024. From there it spirals into standard revenge, which…that’s fine but it rolls in a bunch of convenient coincidences and hackers confused with Wolf of Wall Street avatars that make sense here because Hollywood, but also…NO, and the coicidences are made irrelevant much less later in the film. I enjoyed the action enough because Jason Statham. But then from there the movie becomes something else, and really almost didn’t need the first 40 kind of boring minutes.
I felt like the dictate here was we want to make another John Wick. And they throw quite a few recognizable and respected actors at us like Jemma Redgrave and Jeremy Irons to distract us from the lack of the barest of outlines. And dang, why did you have to drag Phylicia Rashad into this? Oh hey, is that Minnie Driver? What are you doing here? Oh bye Minnie Driver. Wait what just happened?
I will say that I actually did enjoy the reveal and thought the entire movie should have been based on that, and presented much sooner, BUT, in the end, this reveal does nothing to add to the overall thrill or suspense I think it was trying to evoke because…. UGH. Nothing mattered, even to the daughter of the character that gets killed. It’s just like…David Ayers…you’re going to force us to watch the Ayers Cut of this aren’t you?
Again, I love bad movies. This is the wrong kind of bad…at least for me. And when I think about it, David Ayers is probably the culprit. He seems unable to direct movies that follow its own internal logic and veers from the premise and with tones that swing wildly. I’m thinking Bright, and Suicide Squad in particular. But… Apparently everyone seems to love this movie and maybe I’m just missing something. There were way more people in the theater for this one than I’ve seen in a long time. In fact, it was far more attended, including the one dude behind us that snored through the entire movie, than The Marvels which I actually thought was a lot more fun yet mostly mindless entertainment as well.
I dunno, you’ll decide on your own. I’ll be waiting for another bad yet fun action movie to scratch that itch, but for me, this absolutely was not it.
I give The Beekeeper 1 Tibetan singing bowl, or 1 Jar of Honey, or 1 Twinkie, or 1 T-800 statue out of 5.
Until the next review that you didn’t ask for, @thearmag3ddon signing off.