@thearmag3ddon here with yet Another Movie Review You Didn’t Ask For:
take no pleasure in this… 
PSA before we jump into things. For those of you new here and just a reminder to those that have read and now listened to these little reviews you didn’t ask for for over a decade now, especially in my older age I try my very best to be honest and critical, but also be kind.
I have a theory that no one actually sets out to make a bad movie. And a lot of very talented people work on these films…even when the end product might be less than desired. Basically it’s easy to just not like something and dunk on it. But if you do that, can those engaging in the dunking actually come away with any type of lesson of how to do better?
Any collaborative creative endeavor is often a series of good intentions that almost magically align sometimes to make the great work that was originally held in the mind of the creators. There are shows, movies, comics, songs, whatever, that I think are the greatest things to ever be made. And I’ve also seen terrible things from the very same creators. Shakespeare wrote a ton, but we only really celebrate routinely a small handful of his work. For the most part we’re all trying to do our best under the conditions we have to work in. Just like you who likely toils under the thumb of a middle manager to the regional manager named Susan and Chet who are likely the worst, sometimes it’s not you and the road is a bit more bumpy to get the results we want. A great many times, unfortunately external events, conflicting ambitions, and just plain ol “well that was a mistake” happens. It’s very rarely life or death (I can hear all the Star Wars fans responding with a resounding NO) so I try to deliver my critiques with that same level of the fate of the universe is not at stake so let’s all keep it light. Sometimes. I fail often though. I will probably fail here. Because snark gonna snark. I’m human I guess. Anyway…
I had to say all of that before diving in (unintentional pun) because man. This thing. Yeah.
There are a number of reasons why this one didn’t work so much and I think it comes from a few different reasons. Obviously right now you’re thinking or saying, because it’s terrible. But please indulge me.
The first film actually relied on the strength of its only competent character to actually solve, decipher, and move the plot forward. And that character was Mera, played by Amber Heard. And welp…if you’re not aware of the Sea Elephant in the room, a few things went down in real life that made it prudent for the production to cut her presence down significantly in this film which I imagine had a little bit to do with the chaos that ended up reigning on screen as the final product. But make no mistake, I’m not saying an increased role would have helped save this movie either. Just…it’s one of many many things. And you could really feel it in quite a few moments. Noteworthy because the plot and story was forced to play a secondary role to something else not the story.
There were actually a few moments I did like in this movie, and every single one of them was when it matched the same tone the first film had: Underwater Sea Kingdom that didn’t apologize for itself by intentionally being too campy? (key word…intentional) Check. And here for me lies the biggest problem with this movie.
I have known James Wan to deliver most everything he does with at least a C+ but often in my book he comes in with an average of B+. He even was able to pull off the almost unimaginable feat of delivering the first Aquaman film as a fun experience despite the overall DCEU baggage, so much so that it went on to make $1 billion dollars. Say what you will about the quality, but people don’t show up in that amount unless they are entertained on whatever level. I think, for me, the first film worked as well as it did because it fully embraced realizing an underwater world. There was like…an intention and depth to it. I’m not saying it was High Art, so stand down. But it felt earnest at least in delivering a fantasy world that was consistent with itself.
Here it felt like 5 or so different movies. One of which was the aforementioned underwater element, but others were so different in tone and execution it might as well have been something else. Sometimes it was Aquaman. Sometimes it was a bad buddy comedy, with terrible, needless one-liners included, and sometimes it was, toward the end, directly recreating imagery from Sauron and Mordor from Lord of the Rings.
Actually, on that Sauron note, I’m a little bit annoyed with you all because you let me ramble on and on about derivative in my last review on Rebel Moon when you knew full well I would be reviewing Aquaman next. No just kidding, but HERE is an example of uninspired derivativeness. It was so direct without feeling like it was trying to be clever, an homage or anything else. It felt like it was presenting you something that was an explosion of creativity, but actually was not.
Another and really, the realist reason why this failed might be that just…well…with Warner Bros abandoning and ejecting from this current “universe” and creative direction with James Gunn coming on board to take over the reigns there was no real directive to make a good movie. Just a way to salvage what was done, have a fire sale, and close up shop. There were no illusions that any of this would “matter” anyway, and you get a wiff of that feeling while watching it. Even without the delivery of the very last line spoken by Jason Momoa which has the same exact energy of a kid who didn’t study, did the assignment at the very last minute and got an F, but doesn’t care anyway, because I’m the starting Varsity Quarterback and we’re going to state so who needs to know Algebra anyway Miss Snodgrass? You could just feel and tell that no attempt at tightening the loose nuts was given. And I guess, the very final scene of a DCEU film was an appropriate one as metaphor because welp…it kind of feels like exactly what they were trying to feed us all along.
I do still think Patrick Wilson would have made a great Aquaman himself, and I think that was kind of the point of casting him in the first film, AND the direction of this one. Maybe James Gunn will pull a couple of strings and make it happen along with Jason Momoa being the new obvious choice for Lobo, who he basically plays here as Aquaman. This movie was so Bro’d-Down I can’t even…
And whatever. This review has gone on far too long. We all knew this was going to be bad. And in that regard at least it’s less offensive as something being bad that we had high hopes for at least. I still love everyone involved. Just not this movie so much. But I have a job to do, and dang it. I’m going to give it my all even when nobody asked.
Anyway blah blah blah, maybe bother when you’re bored or find something else to watch instead. The DCEU ends with something in between a bang and a whimper. Kind of a groan probably. I know some people will absolutely love it. Statistically speaking that’s unavoidable. I strongly disagree, but I’m happy for you if you do. Because at the very least I will know this did end up bringing some joy into the world.
And that my friends is the true power of love.
I give Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom 1 Cockroach Delicacy out of 5.
Until the next review you didn’t ask for, @thearmageddon, signing off.