@thearmag3ddon here with yet Another Movie Review You Didn’t Ask For:
I wish I could effectively convey to you the concern my friends had for my well-being and overall mental health when I told them I was going to see Madam Web.
“Why?”
Fun aside, it kind of leads me to a thing that happens sometimes when a movie gets some bad press, for various reasons, then said press reaches critical mass, which results in everyone piling on and hating the idea of a movie even without seeing it. No one really remembers except me, but this happened with Titanic. Before it came out it was being predestined as a bomb and failure. Luckily it resonated so much that after folks actually had seen it that it went on to beat the bad buzz so barely anyone remembers that part. But then there’s The Marvels where it got a significant enough amount of pre-hate that no one actually bothered to see what ended up being a pretty entertaining movie if you actually saw it. But the trick is…you have to see it to even know. But hey it’s fun to pile on I guess.
And I am very sorry to say that I have actually seen this movie and can confirm that yes. It is actually bad. Lol
Madam Web is not a good movie. But it’s not the worst thing ever either. Its greatest sin perhaps is that it tricks you into thinking it will be cool action with costumed heroes…like the promotional graphic you might have glimpsed for this review, but it decidedly is not. It might actually have been a better story if it was a random tale about a random woman who needed to protect 3 young women from some random dude that was trying to kill them. And in the process she learns a little bit about herself along the way. But nope. Instead it is THIS IS SPIDERMAN BUT NOT REALLY GUYS NUDGE NUDGE WINK.
I said all of the first part to say this, that I personally didn’t find it as bad as the chatter out there was warranting. And I do think a lot of the bad buzz you’re hearing is simply just folks piling on, some who haven’t even seen the picture, and when you’re piling on there’s really no room for nuance at all. Ain’t nobody got time fo dat. It’s way more fun to dunk on a thing.
But no. I did not like it, so I’m not coming to its defense. I just want to say that, is the movie Terrible? No. Is it a misfire. Yes. Is it good? Not in the least. Is it bad? It depends on what bad means to you. I’ve heard out there that it’s the worst superhero movie ever, and from a certain point of view, yes it is. Why? Because it has .000000007 seconds of superheroes in it. But under the broad definition of what a Superhero movie is, or Comic Book movie, to me Catwoman still reigns supreme.
Madame Web feels like what it probably actually is. A cash grab by Sony to capitalize on its proximity to the Spider-man franchise. Nothing more. Nothing less. And it’s kind of a shame because cynically it’s doing this by submitting an all female cast as sacrificial lambs, giving rise to the notion, erroneously, that no one wants to see female driven movies. Well they would if you cared about making an actual interesting film Mr. executive with 4 yachts and probably maybe but I’m not sure, a cocaine habit.
There are rumors out there, probably not true but it’s funny to think about, that Sony has been luring unsuspecting actors who don’t know any better into thinking they are signing on for Marvel movies…but the MCU branded kind. Not…this one. Which totally explains why Matt Smith did what he did with the Morbs. Because his buddy Karen Gillan was all, “I had so much fun in my Marvel movie. You should do it!”
That’s the only way for me to explain why Sydney Sweeney would agree to this. Dakota Johnson? I get it tho. 
It’s best to have zero hope going into any of these Sony Spider-man adjacent flicks because they are all being told without the context of Spider-man. You go to one of these and it’s like that one Eddie Murphy sketch from Raw about “That’s not Macdonnoos.” Nah, even better or more accurate, it’s like ordering spaghetti without the spaghetti and just sauce, or fries but no fries and just ketchup. Like… all of these characters exist because of the one, and their stories usually flow out from contact with his story. I mean for Christ’s sake her name is Madame WEB and that’s not some weird coincidence. This gallery of Spider-man Family characters are compelling only because of him, with a few rare exceptions, and even Miles Morales got his start because of the loss of a Spider-man. So if that lets you know what I’m personally expecting from the upcoming Kraven movie, that’s it. And frankly if you’re expecting anything more than terrible, that’s on you at this point. It’s just that, because they can’t or won’t include Spider-man in any meaningful way, they are forced to come up with stories that just don’t have as much juice. And we end up with 90-120 minutes of stories that dance around the main point. And overall it’s a feeling of “why are we here?”
In a way they did try to connect this one at least with a feasible connection to Spider-man himself, but it was a little too cute, and buried, and ultimately meant nothing storywise. So it was just a bunch of names that if you recognized them you’d Leonardo DiCaprio pointing meme when they were mentioned. But it doesn’t matter that it’s Ben Parker. It doesn’t matter that the boy’s name is probably Peter. None if it matters and is only there to make you think it does because COMIC BOOK RECOGNITION.
I don’t really want to dunk on Dakota Johnson too much, partly because she’s an actual human being with real feelings even though she’ll never see this review. But also because it’s kind of like dunking on a five year old on an 8 foot rim. Hayoooo. I think I am in the majority with the opinion that she’s just not that great an actress. She’s not terrible but she just can’t bring it yet she keeps being put in front of us as the thing we want to consume. Again back to the Eddie Murphy bit in Raw. And if you think her hosting SNL is evidence of her superior talent, so did Donald Trump. Also she hosted the weekend her movie was opening. And Sony has an SNL movie in the works a well. Also Milli Vanilli won a grammy. So sometimes things happen. And all things are connected. Sometimes. The Milli Vanilli part was random though. No but really, I think the movie would have actually been better if almost any other actress had played her role. No I don’t mean that literally, but the whole thing gives, “anyone but her” vibes. An already weak script needed someone who could do more than just sound like they were whining every time their voice reaches a certain decibel level. Also a big feature of the Madame Web character is that she’s blind and yet the story couldn’t be bothered to incorporate this as a dilemma for the character. Instead it was an afterthought. And that sounds like a small detail, but it’s kind of basic storytelling 101. Forget comic books. It’s just bad story. So like…whatever this character is doing doesn’t really make sense and I think it’s because the writers didn’t even know.
SHE THOUGHT HER MOTHER WHO DIED DURING CHILDBIRTH HATED HER GUYS
Who does that?
As a geek, I was disappointed in the way that Ezekiel was used, as he’s not a villain in the comic books. Except for maybe some retcon that might have happened along the way. But again, without the context of Spider-man, and the story he was a part of in that book which was a pretty big groundbreaking if controversial story, it feels like the use of him was wasted and an opportunity missed. And I’m never the one to be too hung up on comic book accuracy, but in this case, what we got wasn’t compelling in the least either, so…heads should roll.
In the end, Madame Web is an early 90s TV movie/pilot premiering in syndication on Saturday at 3pm/ 2 Central and Mountain. It just so happens to be made released in 2024 with a much larger budget. Sadly it feels like an RL. Stine Goosebumps story on Fox Kids and should have been titled Super Spider Woman Mystery Club. And also written by a 13 year old. It honestly actually feels like it might have been a bit better as a 4-6 episode series to give each of the characters being rescued, the rescuer, and the pursuer more time for us to actually get to know them. And ultimately I think this is why the movie fails, and feels like things are just happening.
But who am I to judge? I imagine the children of Gen Alpha, 30-40 years from now, dawning their stillsuits and taking their Rad-X radiation pills while heading out to the old school physical cinema to watch Madam Web while thinking about the good times when life was simpler during the Pandemic before all out thermonuclear civil war, will look back fondly on it, like I do with Laserblast or Sleepaway Camp. Like I said, it’s not the worst thing to ever exist. So to say so I do think is unfair. But man, I really don’t think you should ever bother to see it ever either. Oddly I do think there is an audience for it. They just don’t know any better.
Dang. I guess it does feel good dunking on things because everyone else has. I stand corrected.
I give Madam Web 1 Beyonce Knowles in Goldmember Maxim Covers out of 5.
Until the next review you didn’t ask for, @thearmag3ddon, signing off…